Divorce
Divorce: the custody of children
By Dennis Buonafede

Hardcopy Issue Date: March 1999
Online Publication Date: Mar 18, 2000, 15:53

Thirty years ago then Justice Minister Pierre Trudeau oversaw the enactment of the Divorce Act that made it easier for married couples to dissolve their union. As justification Mr. Trudeau claimed that the Government had no business being in people's bedrooms. As a result of the Act the bedroom has become a courtroom, and the victims are both the children and the fathers.

It is no secret that the Canadian judiciary has overwhelmingly favoured women and mothers in divorce cases. Women usually get the house, primary or sole custody, and child support payments from men who very often have to start from scratch. To redress this situation a parliamentary committee has tabled proposals to change the Divorce Act.

Liberal Senator Anne Cools, co-chair of the committee and former feminist, has been an outspoken advocate for fathers, while MP Hedy Fry (Vancouver-Central), Minister of State for the Status of Women, is upholding the feminist view. Justice Minister Anne McLellan has said that she is prepared to change the Divorce Act in order to end the controversy over child custody laws.

Senator Cools advocated shared-parenting because currently 95% of custody settlements are to the mother, with the father granted limited or no access. She also wanted compulsory courses on the impact of divorce on children, easier access to children by grandparents, and stiff penalties for anyone making false abuse allegations. On the other side Dr. Fry claimed that mandatory shared-parenting puts women and children at risk, intimating that men are inherently dangerous and violent.

Law defeats social reality
Lost in the highly specific give and take of the legal system is the social reality that divorce is a war with tremendous fall-out. It affects those involved without mercy or discrimination, and one way or another we all payóemotionally, socially, or financially.

Another victim in this battle is the truth. The stereotypical picture of the middle-aged man who trades his wife in for a younger woman, the abusive and/or deadbeat father who abandons his children after the divorce, fuels the legislative and juridical decisions in this country. A recent study by psychologist Stanford Braver, titled Divorced Dad: Shattering the Myth, shows that while an exceptionally small percentage of divorces result from abuse and abandonment, two out of three divorces are initiated by women.

Women are less likely than men to regret the divorce and, so long as the father remains employed, 70 to 80% of the child support monies are submitted. It is telling that among the 27 top factors involved in the breakdown of marriage, violence and abuse are absent and more mundane issues are dominant: growing apart, difference in values or lifestyle, feeling unloved, the spouse unable or unwilling to meet the other's needs.

The role of the father has also been increasingly discussed vis-ý-vis his impact on the development and social adjustment of children. The ridiculous extreme feminist belief that men are a neutral or negative influence on children is now also being challenged by various studies. As expected, the list of male contributions towards child development are numerous. Fathers typically offer more active stimulation, foster greater independent behaviour and curiosity, have greater expectations regarding the speed of development, discuss current events, and introduce children to new ideas and outside environments, thereby preparing them for their future in the world of work.

Boys who have involved fathers are more socially adaptable and self confident and are less negatively aggressive in dealing with problems. They are more likely to score higher on intelligence tests and display greater independent and original thinking. The positive role models offered by fathers help boys in developing character traits like honesty, integrity, and respect for authority. Boys with involved fathers also display a more gentle and authentic masculinity.

Qualities lacking
Girls also benefit from an involved and loving father. They too are more socially adept, display higher self-esteem, tend to be more traditionally female in behaviour, and are confident about their attractiveness. Like boys they display greater curiosity, intelligence, and independent thinking. In much the same way as men offer a model for their sons, men offer models by which daughters judge other men. If the father is gentle, loving, and principled then daughters are more likely to look for and see these qualities in other men. Conversely, if these qualities are lacking then the daughter will more than likely enter a relationship with a man of similar behaviour, believing perhaps that this is normal among men.

Generalizations are always fraught with dangers, but there are some truths that are simply self-evident: parents are the primary educators and principal role models for their childrenóboth parents! Strong families create individuals of strong character who in turn create strong societies. To achieve this hearts must be changed, marriages must be strengthened, men must lovingly take up the mantle of their responsibility, and the courts must not prevent them from fulfilling their duties.

Dennis Buonafede is an administrative lay pastoral assistant at Holy Spirit Church, Toronto, and father of two children.